meandering toward the precipice
It’s officially summer. It’s been summer for over a month and with each day that passes, I find myself closer and closer to the biggest change of my life thus far. I’m moving! To San Francisco! At the end of August! This is something that I’ve been dreaming about for at least eight years and it still is a little hard to recognize the reality of the situation. I’m nervous and scared and overwhelmed and excited and filled with anticipation and really unsure about how Greta will handle driving across the country in a U-Haul and yet, everything is gradually falling into place. I signed a lease (I’m going to have roommates!), I continue to do markets almost every weekend (it’s hot!), I’ve been posting my old teaching clothes on Facebook Marketplace (anyone in need of some Loft blouses circa 2017, size small?). And each morning I wake up in an apartment that I cannot imagine belonging to anyone else but me (or me making any other apartment my home).
My days have been lazy and confusing - am I recovering from a nine year career that wrecked my mental health and therefore in need of Dakota Johnson’s desired requisite of 14 hours of sleep per day? Or am I facing a never-ending mental block since I’ve made the decision to focus on my art career and now I’m afraid to begin? Yes and yes. Somehow today feels like the perfect time to reflect on my current liminal state. I’m sitting in a coffeehouse/Jazz lounge I’ve never been to before at 3:40 pm on a Tuesday between appointments (dentist and haircut). Everything feels like an awkward amount of time. Not enough to begin anything of substance and yet too much time to really relax. It’s like a less dramatic version of purgatory I suppose and also maybe one of the best summers of my life. There’s no drama and no real pressure - except financial pressure, but I’m still getting paid through the summer so the threat of that paycheck going away hasn’t fully hit me. I have friends and best friends and I’ve let go of several things (read: people) who only brought pain into my life AND I’m about to embark on an adventure that I’ve been dreaming about for a really long time. All this to say, I have many things running through my head at all times, I’m terrified and totally fine, and ultimately, I keep moving forward.
